Depression and my headaches are back

I don't know if it's my depression, the weather or what but I'm back to having headaches almost everyday. I don't like it as I haven't had them like this for a long time. Nothing major is going wrong, nothing much has changed in the last month so no explanation.

While I did decide to stay where I am for another month I think I'll be leaving after that. It's not impossible that getting to be such friends with mama T, K and baby T are what's making me think I should move on.

I have a habit of pushing people away when they get to close to me because I don't trust them not to hurt me eventually. Mama T and I get a little closer everyday and that's scary. Baby T really likes me and that's scary. K likes me and we get along fine.

I've said before I don't know how to deal with this stuff and the emotions it causes. Maybe that's why my headaches are back so often. Maybe it's because they think I'm so damn nice and if they knew my history they'd not like me at all.

There aren't many people around who'd call me a nice person. A few but not many. Most would call me an asshole at best and kids shouldn't read the worst so I won't say it. Problem is underneath all the hard ass, push people away, don't take any shit, is a nice person.

I just never let people see it because when they do the vast majority have tried to take advantage of me one way or another or have used what they know to hurt me. Part of my upbringing I guess but it's just easier for me not to have people get to close to me or be to close to me.

I've been trying to figure out why I like babies or kids better than adults and girls better than boys. Baby girls are one way for chicks to get to me. I suspect it has something to do with one of my ex girlfriends from 35 years ago giving up my baby girl for adoption.

Most of the time when people ask me if I have kids I just say no rather than bother to explain it to them. People have been asking me that a lot lately and the only one I told the truth to was mama T. I expect she told K and her mother, sisters and cousins but that's okay.

For some reason she talks to them a lot about me. Even tho I can't speak her language I can understand my own name and a word here and there. I can also understand voice tone and body language. I don't know why she tells them so much about me but she does.

I'm not even sure if I like it or not. I'm a very private person. Well, I was until I started this blog. Still am anonymous tho, just not private. Some days writing this is depressing.

This is one of those days. Considering I just took pain pills for my headache I guess that's about enough of this. Besides, it's stressful too.