Stressed out and getting irritable

Lol, I had a major computer problem yesterday with an old laptop I'd given to my cousin. He gave it back as he finally went and bought one of his own. Problem is the only account I could access was guest. For some reason he put a password on the default administrator and then forgot it.

While he was at work I spent hours working on how to get around the problem. There are no discs and every solution I found assumes you have the setup discs. So I'm getting more irritable and stressed out by the minute.

When I couldn't find what I needed because of the lack of discs I went looking for a hackers way around the problem. Sheesh, some hackers want you to have the disc too. Lol, them ain't hackers!

Anyway, he came home and I was still working on it. Eventually his talking to me while I was trying to work got on my nerves and because I was stressed I snapped at him. That didn't stop him so it ended up with me telling him to shut up so I could concentrate. Worse yet, I'm staying at his place for a few days.

At least he didn't get upset with me and finally did get it that he was totally destroying my concentration and train of thought. However being stressed doesn't give me the right to snap at him. It's why I try to stay away from people.

Then a chick I go out with now and then called last night and we got into the usual argument about her being unreliable and not acting like she cares even tho she has proposed to me twice. She was to have called me last Sunday at noon as she'd said some things on Saturday that were the complete opposite of what we had agreed on before.

So she swore she'd call Sunday right after noon as she'd be home and could use her house phone as it was going to be a long talk. She didn't call til Monday morning and when I asked her why she told me she got to drunk Saturday night before and didn't feel good. Then she tried to tell me how much she cares.

She doesn't. Her actions continually show that but she thinks her words are proof of caring. So Monday we got in an argument about the fact she could have made a 30 second call to let me know she was to hungover to talk and I wouldn't have been worried about her, and she said she didn't like what I was saying to her. Lol, so I told her if she didn't like what I was saying, btw I was being calm and explaining for the 10th time that actions speak way louder than words do, so I told her if she didn't like it the only solution was to quit talking to me because she had reached the point where I was going to always go by her actions and not her words.

She wanted to argue more and I said what's the point to it and hung up. She called this morning to see if I was mad at her and I said no, not mad, just disappointed that she seldom lived up to what she said. Then we started to argue about that, again. I finally just flat out told her that she no longer met my standards of truthfulness and reliability and I wasn't going to play her game anymore.

She kept trying to convince me and I told her again that she no longer meets my standards so talking was pointless unless she was going to be honest and reliable. At that point she got angry and hung up. Funny, I'm still not mad.

Seems no one understands that if you don't meet my standards for relationships or friends there is no point to continuing on. I let to many people get away with not meeting my minimum standards for a long time because I was so depressed. Now that I'm getting better I see where that was a part of my depression problem. Not meeting my standards and having to fight about honesty and reliability was depressing.

So I cut out 90% of the drama the girls I used to date, caused. Being depressed made me needy for affection so I allowed people to do or get away with things I shouldn't have so I could get the affection I needed. Then it kept me depressed because I'd always call them on their BS and then we'd fight.

Well, I decided to stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results so now I'm holding people to my values and if they don't meet them they aren't going to be in my reality.

While I still want the affection from them I don't want all the hassles that come with it. I'd much rather be alone and stress and drama free than be fighting and depressed all the time.

BTW, my standards aren't that high. Be honest with me, be reliable, be faithful or loyal and do what you tell me you will do unless there are circumstances that prevent it. Furthermore I don't even care how they treat other people and don't judge them on that, just on how they are with me. Seems so simple to me yet so many seem to have a major problem with it.

I came back to where I am now to put finis to this chapter of my life in person because it was the honorable thing to do. Caused me a few problems to do it in person but phone or email isn't right for somethings. So now I don't have to drive 500 miles to put finis to that chapter as I think we did it this morning on the phone.

Onward and upward. Funny thing is my depression is better and I have absolutely no doubt I will meet someone who does meet my standards and that I care about and who cares about me. I still want the affection but I no longer need it and that's the whole point. I let my needs and wants get turned upside down.