After my beating I turned into an angry kid

After making my update yesterday about my mother beating me so badly I was quite angry for the rest of the day. About the time I was getting over it the news came on and don't ya know they had an story about physical and sexual abuse. I have a forum at IBcynical Forum and I went off on a not so nice rant about the whole subject. If you are interested go take a look.

Child abuse is a subject that really irritates me because people knew I was being sexually, physically and mentally abused and no one did a damn thing about it. I was a very angry kid and back then there were no anger management activities for children nor any kind of anger management programs at all, not even for adults.

I never had any good role models when I was growing up and for sure never had any hero's. All I knew was anger, drinking, fighting and that kind of thing. Heh, I'm still way more comfortable in a bad ass bar than I am in an upscale place.

Anyway, the first time I saw Mr. Spock on Star Trek, that kinda dates me too, huh, I knew how I wanted to be. Cold, analytical and emotionless. Spock was everything I wanted to be. In control of himself at all times and logical.

I manged the cold and logical part very well and could even suppress all emotion except for one. Anger! For all the reading I did, all the research I did I was never able to find an effective way to control my anger. Well, I did find one way but it's not to workable for the most part. Staying away from people worked but I still had to go shopping for groceries, etc and would be in a constant state of irritation most of the time.

It's very obvious when I'm irritated as it comes out in my tone of voice and facial expressions. As hard as it may be for anyone to believe I'm very soft spoken but when irritated or angry I do speak louder. I also don't tend to sugar coat things when I speak so I've been called blunt, tactless and a bull in a china shop but the most frequent thing I'd hear was that I was an a**hole.

That one never bothered me and I encouraged it. MOF my whole personality is built on keeping people away from me and not letting anyone get anywhere close to me. The people who do get close to me are amazed how gentle I really am.

The girls I dated were all amazed when we would have sex that I was so extremely gentle with them and that their pleasure was more important to me than my own. It wasn't what they were expecting at all considering they knew how angry and irritable I could be. One of them described me as all porcupine and hard shell on the outside and all teddy bear on the inside.

One girl, who I fell in love with, made me feel emotions I hadn't felt for years and years. She even made me want to live. Now I can't get rid of the emotions and I don't know how to deal with them either. They confuse me and that irritates me to no end.

The psychologist I sent my ex wife and her kids to told me she could probably help me and I told her don't worry about it, I'll be fine. That was eight years ago and now I finally realize I'm not fine. Yeah, for being so intelligent sometimes I'm a slow learner, at least in that area.

I've spent 50 plus years being angry. I've used my anger to survive, I've used it to motivate myself and it's kept me alive more than once. I don't know how to be any other way. I'm very strong mentally unless I'm depressed and even then I'm still mentally tougher than everyone I know.

Nice huh? That's one of the problems with child abuse. Angry kids turn into even angrier adults. It doesn't make for a truly functional adult who enjoys much of anything. So now I'm 60 and angry and don't know how to change it. Nor am I sure I care to make the effort to try. My life expectancy is shorter than average due to the copd and I doubt there is enough time left in my life to fix all that's wrong and all that makes me so angry.

Like everyone else I want a quick fix and haven't been able to find one. Lol, don't anyone tell me to count to ten or to think or any of that simplistic crap. It doesn't work as the words come out of my mouth before my brain ever engages.

I'm rambling today, even worse than usual. What I want anyone to do who reads this is if you know or suspect any child is being abused, report it. Get involved, don't just stand on the sidelines and watch it happen. As far as I'm concerned if you know of child abuse and don't get involved you are as guilty as the person doing the abuse. Children are very precious things and everyone needs to do their part to protect them.

I'm a psychologists nightmare and some days I suspect if people knew the true thoughts going thru my head I'd be put in the funny farm for a long time. My depression is getting better but it's so slow. Seems to be no quick fix for that either. Funny, I can help other people fix or solve their personal problems but I sure can't fix my own. Ironic huh?