How did I get to be so depressed

So I'm depressed and quite badly depressed at that. I still don't know how I got so depressed and why I have been depressed for so long.

Way back in 1983 I went to my Doctor for something, don't remember what, and she stated that she thought I was depressed. I laughed and said "If I'm depressed I've been that way all of my life". Her response was that it was entirely possible that I have been depressed for most of my life. I refused her offer of drugs as depression was still a put you in the funny farm kind of thing back then.

I thought about her comments for a few years, did some research which was harder than you might think as there was no internet back then and came to the conclusion she was probably correct. Didn't do anything about it at the time tho.

While this blog is going to be about my stress and depression and how I got that way I don't want your sympathy or feeling bad for me about the things I wll talk about later. I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me either. I guess I've gotten used to it by now but somedays it is a constant, minute by minute struggle to stay alive.

I was at the Doctor in February and she conned me into taking a depression test. Being sort of old and much wiser than my Doctor thought I made sure my test results didn't come out high enough for an involuntary commitment to the psych ward at the hospital. Came close but not close enough so she could have me committed. I minimized two things that would have put me in the hospital and she knew it but couldn't do anything about it because my score wasn't high enough.

I did let her perscribe some zoloft tho and even tho I hate anti depression drugs I'm taking it because the struggle to stay alive wasn't going very well. It's not that I want to be depressed, I'd much rather be happy but I really hate the side effects of anti depressants. The cost of them is a factor also as I don't have health insurance.

No matter what, I'm still here, I'm still fighting and will use all the strength of my mind to keep fighting. At least for today.