Saturday, November 17, 2007

No depression, except the normal stress and anxiety

Here I was, LeMars Iowa, a young kid who turned 13 in 1960. I had one hell of a lot of fun in the 60's and some not so fun moments but mostly I love the 60's and 70's.

I was a rebel and I fit right in the era. However I didn't fit with the hippies nor did I fit with the bad asses. Funny, I still don't fit much of anywhere so like back then I mostly stay apart from named or labeled groups.

For a few years while living in LeMars I still got beatings from both parents. I still got molested by relatives and I tried, as in the past, to maintain a low profile, stay out of the house as much as possible and keep myself together.

I was the new kid in town so I had a few fights. Lol, some families seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of ever bigger brothers. I'd kick the crap out of the one my age and here'd come his bigger brother. Sheesh, it got old but I earned the respect I deserved from everyone.

Being the new kid in a small town is a lot like living in a flock of chickens. I upset the pecking order and it had to be figured out where I fit in the order. As usual it turns out I didn't fit. While I proclaim myself not to be a leader, it's for damn sure I'm not a follower. To hell with the pecking order, I did my own thing back then and I do it now.

The older brothers, who could kick my ass, soon found out the price was a bit higher than they wanted to pay and it got harder to kick my ass every time we fought. Soon they started telling their brothers my age to deal with it and leave them alone. In the end it was pretty much no one messed with me.

I did make some friends and we hung out together a lot. Just like now days, there was nothing much for kids to do so we got into trouble now and then because of sheer boredom. The group I hung out with wasn't known for good grades or anything else but being tough and trouble.

Lol, neither the girls or the guys. The girls back then were a lot calmer than they are now tho. The tempers were there but the girls were better able to control theirs. Also, the female pecking order was more socially oriented than physical or mental.

Girls fighting was almost unheard of and fun to watch because mostly they were hair pulling contests and someone might lose a top or the guys might get to see some skin. Nothing dangerous about it at all except for the hurt feelings for the loser.

Heh, I was reading a book about Abby Hoffman the other day and learned some things I didn't know but for the most part I lived the 60's experience to the hilt. I was a rebel then and I guess I'd have to say I still am.

Was I depressed while living in LeMars? Probably. The stress and anxiety of never knowing what was going to happen at home makes that pretty much a fact. However I never knew it as depression. I had a reputation with the girls as being a bit sad and quite moody but part of that was an act to get girls to pick me up.

Lol, at least I thought it was an act, now I'm not so sure. One thing I do know tho is that same act will still get chicks to pick you up today. There's always a babe that wants to take care of you and make you feel better. Hmmm, perhaps that's why I have so many problems with women.

Gasp, could it be I've been looking for a mother for all of these years? I'm sure that's the correct psychiatric answer but I'm not sure it's true. I suspect the answer is I never learned to feel the things for others that I should have learned when I was a child. I never learned that anyone could be depended on. I never learned how to make a relationship work.

In some ways I haven't changed much at all. In other ways I'm not even recognizable as the same person. My current girlfriend and lover remarked the other day that she was surprised at the fact I like to cuddle up with her on the couch and on how tender and gentle I am with her in bed.

Both were a major surprise to her because they certainly don't match the first impression people get. We've know each other for 8 months of so and just got together about a month ago. Yet she's still surprised. Lol, you don't get to know the real me until I decide to let you.

While shrinks may think one thing I suspect the bigger issue is trust.

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