Friday, April 20, 2007

Sexual abuse and molestation is still my worst memory

I've stayed away from the sexual abuse and the molestation I went thru because it happened so often and it does affect my mood for the rest of the day.

Being sexually abused isn't fun to talk about, even 45 years later but if I can help someone else it's fine. I will live and I will be fine.

I usually tend to be understated when I discuss things or describe things. It's just part of how I am. I expect people to be able to know or understand with out the graphic descriptions. If they have questions when I'm done I'll answer them and answer them honestly.

Before we moved from behind my grandmothers house I was molested on average 4 times per week. Not as often as I was beaten but that's another thing I don't need to give you the daily details of.

Because I minimize it here and don't talk about it on a daily basis doesn't mean it hasn't had a profound effect on my life. It has and it does. Much more so than the physical abuse. The physical pain from the beatings is long gone but the mental pain from those beatings and the reasons behind the the mental pain are still there.

However the mental pain from the beatings isn't as bad as the pain from the molestation and no one doing anything to stop it. Before I got the sexual abuse stopped I was molested by four different people and three of them were guys and three of them were relatives.

Funny but I never considered the molestation by my uncles wife to be abuse nor did I consider it abuse when I was sleeping with 4 different older women at the age of 15-16. I should probably tell you that I was 14 or so when Nancy, my youngest uncles wife started with me. BTW I was no longer a virgin with girls at this point.

She was very pretty, only about 10 years older than me and she was just plain hot. The first time was very interesting. She would walk around the house wearing a sexy negligee or other things that turned me on. She always talked to me and we had a lot of long talks. She paid attention to me when no one else did and yes, she made me feel like she cared about me.

It started when she would come down to my room in the basement every night and talk with me before she went to bed. I was a night owl at the time and so was she so we were pretty much the only two in the house that were awake.

She'd come and sit on the edge of my bed wearing some of the sexiest and semi seethru things I'd ever seen a woman wear. One night she leaned forward to give me a kiss on the cheek and I got to see her breasts. She stayed in that position after the kiss and I just kept staring at her lovely breasts.

When she sat back up it was obvious I had a huge erection, well huge for a 14 year old. She reached for it on top of the covers and squeezed it and said don't go to sleep, she'd be back after everyone else went to bed.

She eventually came back and sat on the bed for a bit letting me look at her. Then she said she was cold and could she get under the covers with me. Hey, I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world at this point and eagerly said yes.

She kissed me and touched me all over and let me kiss and touch her breasts. Eventually I had an orgasm and soon after that she went back upstairs. This went on for a week until she left. Naturally we progressed farther every night until the last two night we were making love a couple of times a night.

I never, but never, ever thought of this as abuse but saw it as a very horny 14 yr old getting lucky and some of my wildest fantasies coming true. While I now know it was wrong of her I still have a problem seeing it as abuse even tho I know it was.

I was mentally a lot older than my physical age as I'd had to grow up in a hurry so I saw it as an opportunity to have some sex. It's not something that bothers me today and I still look back at it with good memories.

Same with the older ladies I started up with the next year. No big deal and some great sex on top of it. Lol, how lucky does a 14 year old get? While I've never felt or noticed any mental effects from her and I having sex I'm sure a shrink could find some.

I was emotionally vulnerable and I'm sure she took advantage of that but I was also a more than willing participant.

Being molested by men left mental scars I'll take to my grave, being sexually abused by women left nothing but good memories.

I really find it interesting that I differentiate between the two and one is repulsive to the max and the other isn't. I find it even more interesting that society is starting to punish women the same way they punish men. I don't agree with it, depending on the age of the child, of course.

Reality to me is if it was a mutual want by both the male and the female it wasn't/isn't abuse. Mentally I understand it to be abuse, emotionally I loved it and I'm sure most guys of 14 wouldn't mind getting some sex from women who are older than they are.

Yep, it's an area where I have a double standard. I suppose if you consider this to be sexual abuse then there are at least 5 more women who abused me. I'll get to that much later in this blog. The point of this post was to try and explain that I do see a huge difference between being unwillingly molested by men and having willing sex with women 10 to 30 years older than I was.

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